I have a lot of plans in life, I also have a lot of expectations too. My mind hinders me to achieve my goals. Ever since I couldn’t hang out with some of my classmates back in elementary (I was often being left out in the group), I felt like my life has changed drastically. And that’s what I’ve become now.
I’ve seen this as a normal response, but only for a few months. I don’t think they will even have time to include me in their games and anything related. Fourth grade turned out to be the loneliest school year and I consider it as a curse. I felt sad, but at least I had a couple of classmates, and the only ones I’ve hang out with during that time.
For once, I thought there’ll be an end to this, but the bullying begins. It’s fifth grade, and I’ve felt like I‘m about to leave this dark past. But I was wrong. It was the start of an even tremendous nightmare that I’m only affected with… (I may have over-exaggerated on this one). But then, I never felt the same loneliness as fourth grade, though it could always get worse.
Sixth grade begins, and everything went back to normal for a while. That’s the time when I had my first computer. It was a surplus, but it served us for about three years. It was a wonderful tool, and my dear companion that time. I could have enjoyed my sixth grade with fantasies, RPGs and animé shows, if I didn’t experience such misery. I don’t know if I could remember exactly what happened though.
While some of my classmates are fond of playing games and get busy with their cellphones and Gameboys, I was sitting on the corner, watching them. At times, I was inside the classroom, doing some scribbling on my notebook and at times, reading textbooks, either my own or those on top of the teacher’s table. I could have gotten away with this kind of life, but it only gets worse, with all the taunting and bragging and all that. I could have fight back, but decided against it when they threatened me that I would get sent to the principal’s office (I was studying in a private school that time, so that acts as the guidance counselor). I fell for this misery and I always cried a lot just thinking about their doing. That even intensified by the time I was graduating from elementary. I couldn’t take this miserable life anymore.
Starting anew, due to personal and financial reasons, I decided to transfer to public school by the time I start high school. How excited I was on the first day, it was like a scene from a movie just walking along the school grounds surrounded by trees. I’ve enjoyed my time there, and I had a lot of fun, especially with my new friends. It seems like I’ve forgotten my former school and my former classmates for the time being.
Of course, I’m still vulnerable to being bullied by some lowlife classmates who obviously need to get a life (and some of them dropped out)… It usually happens. At times, even my friends taunted me, but not that much. From freshman year to senior year, I was certain that I could fight back. And I did, once, nearing the end of my sophomore year, when I pushed one of my classmates down the asphalt due to uncontrollable anger. Luckily, he didn’t retaliate, but still I was scared of the outcome. It was okay the next day then.
Freshman and junior years (first and third year high) were the best school years of my life, and the rest are… well… terrible (much in my senior year). I would often recall my lowlife classmates annoying me while I was listening attentively to lectures, and doing such terrible stuff (I was not alone though). I was feeling terrible that I needed some time alone. I did hang out with some of my classmates, but I would rather spend time with my closest friends, and those I’ve been with during my freshman and junior years. It’s just like the usual, though I’m being selective.
At last, high school ends. But did I have something to be proud about? Not much. I’m not good in such kind of achievements, and I’m less of an average student and more of being a commoner. I’ve regretted not being able to communicate with some of my closest friends. I keep on thinking if I did the right decision whether I should have attend the senior year class’s Christmas Party and the Senior’s Prom. In the end, I ignored both.
Moving on to college, everything went fine as expected. I have nothing more to say on this matter, my classmates were close to nice. And I knew I didn’t have much problem about my college life, except for some stressful studying and activities and all that. Yet, my terrible past starting to affect my progress. I’ve become shy and tend to spend my time alone than with my classmates. I knew I should have done better, and it was my last chance to do something in order to boost my confidence. In the end, I simply haven’t changed and that intensified my frustration. But I knew better than to vent my anger at my former classmates, in elementary and high school.
And I’ve finally finished college. I officially finished school. But I remain indecisive of my future, and I feel like a recluse who would rather spend time online than outside the house. I’ve been like that nowadays.
Looking back, it was extremely painful to experience being excluded from the group. I only rely on myself, and I find happiness in what I have. Lucky for me, I have a computer. I started reading novels and collecting books. I listened to smooth jazz and anything related. I fancy myself looking good wherever I go. I still have time to accomplish something I haven’t done during my childhood and I’m ready to live on my own. I’m twenty-two already and I need to make a living (I should have done that last year, only my own mind can’t force me to do so).
I’m twenty-two already… am I getting old? I feel like resenting growing old. I always wanted to take a few years off me by trying to look like I was seventeen or something. Is that it? Do I have to give up my childhood hobbies and all that? I always wanted to lie about my age, but I decided against it. Or maybe I couldn’t handle lying to myself.
Sometimes, I feel envious of my former classmates (especially the ones in elementary) who were able to hang out with their friends, enjoying life and having greater achievements in life. I feel like I’m entirely different from them. I’m happy for them, I‘m happy for myself, wherever I am now. I’m hoping to reconnect with them, at least to know what happened since my transfer to other school. Besides, it’s been a long time already… ten years. I wanted to make a story out of it but for some reason, I decided to abandon it and move on. (I’m currently writing a story based on a similar experience, though I made it a little bit horrendous as I wanted to visualize how it is like being haunted by a dark past).
I myself noticed… what would I’ve done if I didn’t experience that miserable life? Would I be happier than what I am now? Maybe. But I couldn’t change the past now, that was disappointing. Though, I learned a few things on my experience. I appreciate what I have now, I appreciate contentment, and I appreciate the simple joys in life. It doesn’t matter how lonely or sad life is, as long as you aim to live with it or live out of it. It doesn’t matter how challenging life is, as long as you aim to survive. Expressing disappointment on being deprived of what others have? I wouldn’t mind that one, I’m happy with it. Expressing disappointment on growing old? I can’t answer that one yet, but I’m close to saying yes.
So much has happened, and times have changed. I don’t know if I would rather smile, laugh or cry at the possibility of wasted chances. I have a lot of things to do and I have a lot of plans to make before I turn 30. I still have more than seven years left, and I need to make the most out of it. I hope I can achieve my desired goals in life before it’s all over for me.
Most of what I’ve written on this post are 90% accurate. Of course, there were inconsistencies, but I’m good at remembering things, especially the hurtful ones that can’t be easily forgotten.
I didn’t mean to write this twenty-fifth post to express my frustrations, sadness and disappointments over my life. I didn’t write this to make you laugh, cry, or feel sorry for me. It’s just that I need to let it all out and to share my experiences, just in case you know what it feels like being me. For those who can relate on this post, you’re not alone in this. And hopefully, I could reach my goals soon.