Positivity. Is that even possible?
For once, I understand that everything must go but I can’t accept the fact that I’m growing old… much older that I need to give up my childhood interests and favorites. I mean, it’s like giving up half of my life.
Why am I saying this? I never thought of expressing disappointment over my unfulfilled dreams and wasted chances, as well as envy over other people when it comes to material possessions and social interactions. I hate the thought of being left behind, but why should I think of it?
Actually, I am optimistic in some ways. But at times, I have these depressive thoughts that would make me bring myself down. I sometimes doubted myself, I feel like it’s going to be the end of the road for me. Not one string of hope coming. I think a lot of things, mostly pure anxiety. I tend to worry at times. I can’t even force myself to smile. I’m not confident. I’m not that strong. I’m an introvert. I’m a loner. Physically existing, but without life… like a zombie.
I rarely even see my friends in person, all I have is social media. Instead of humans, the computer and my smartphone are my constant companions. Sounds unrealistic. This is not even a real world, it’s just virtual.
I’m trying hard to fulfill my dreams, little by little. I know that it will be too late for me if I start catching up on watching anime shows later on so I’m doing it now. I’m trying to look as young as possible. Sometimes, I don’t even act like my age. I only hang out with no one but myself, much to my delight and more practical. I really wanted to experience what is it like to hang out with myself without having to worry about others.
I still think of my enemies as enemies, enough said. I still had a grudge against them, and I wished that they should stop thinking of me and keep their distance for at least a meter from me.
I wish I could have someone else to talk to, someone who can truly help me with my emotional burdens in life. I would like to see a shrink sometime. Not that I’m looking down on myself just because of what happened to me in the past.
The Real Cause
I know that there are certain factors that can affect a person’s life. And they’re with you up to the rest of your life.
Born to a dysfunctional family and constantly bullied during adolescence, it’s not surprising how my life turned out to be… at least until I realized that I find myself at a loss. Witnessing and experiencing a lot of troubles in the past fifteen years sure prevented me from living my life normally, though nowadays things seemed to calm down (hopefully).
Thanks to that, I learned to appreciate darkness and escapism. It’s hard to snap out of it, by the way. And I can get rebellious and would rather follow myself than the others. I can’t help criticizing my enemies too much, knowing that I can’t even fight back. That’s the sad part. I can’t help criticizing my dad, who acted like he’s not the effective head of the family and the reason why my parents separated. I might as well be critical of those who are influenced by the crabs, a bunch of idiots pulling and grabbing at each other.
My friends thought that I was unapproachable, it was that I have a hard time with expression. I tend to get ballistic and mad at times, mostly with myself. I tend to shy away from conversations (though I seldom refused to join conversations if I feel like I’m a part of it). I’m not comfortable being watched while I was writing something or doing my hobby. I’m used to being a loner, another negative impact brought about by bullying, especially during elementary. Being ignored and rejected by my classmates is another factor as well.
I exist physically, but deep inside I’m empty.
What I Can Do For Now
I have lots of plans. But I also have frustrations. Either way, I can do something in order to redeem my pre-fourth grade self and start over again. Like I said, I can be optimistic but only if I’m willing to set aside my negative thoughts. I can ditch a lot of things such as marriage and unwanted temptations if I have to.
I can’t turn back the clock, and I can’t kill myself either (something that I wanted to do, if ever my plan failed but decided against it). So I have to move on. Hopefully.
Obviously, I wasn’t thinking clearly while writing this, but it somehow alleviates me from having to think negative about my life. I know some of you will react to this, but I shall stand by my word. It’s a terrible idea to give away too much information.
Let’s hope that optimism will reign above everything else.