Comfort Through Darkness (A Thought)

These days, I find it reasonable to be serious. I remain pessimistic about my future. Whenever I go out, I find myself wearing all black as my form of expression, mostly on the dark side. I find comfort inside a dark room, sitting by the bed staring at the night sky, contemplating on my dark future. I’m starting to worry about what will happen to me when I turn thirty… will I be able to get out of this darkness or not?

I can’t deny the fact that I feel depressed and lonely. In fact, I’ve just turned into my emo self (even though I don’t look that much, obviously) and I feel like a completely different person. Right now, I’m hiding in the shadows and live the unsocial life of an uncommunicative loner. I’m comfortable with it… but at times I feel a little awkward too, since I tend to be a freak as well.

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Severely affected by rejection back in elementary, I find it difficult to move on and try to cheer myself up. Later on, I started feeling insecure towards myself and my former friends/classmates, and I started hanging out with no one but myself as I had a hard time making friends. I eventually accepted the fact that I’m a loner, and I’m no longer comfortable talking and hanging out with other people.

When I was in high school, I got bullied a lot of times and I can’t even fight back at these jerks for their bad deeds. No matter how much you try to avoid them, you still end up getting bullied when you encounter them anywhere in the school grounds. Reacting to their terrible, cruel actions may sound a bit immature… but still, a bullying is a bullying. Until now, I felt a surge of annoyance whenever I recall some of these unfortunate incidents and that added to my anxiety I’m experiencing at times.

As I grow up, I’m starting to see the darker side of life and I tend to have negative thoughts about my life. I always believe that there are no second chances, and by the time I reached 30, it’s all over for me. I simply let my angst control my not-so-sound mind and I never did anything to let myself out of this misery.

I simply hate myself for being lured into this darkness. But then again, I’m fine with living a lonely, depressing life that I might as well kill myself in the end (there goes my emo self again)… but of course, my optimism never really left me (at all) and what I just said right now may just be a thought instead of a plan. I’m not that suicidal, just so you know.

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In the end, I can never deny the fact that I’m comfortable with my life… a life full of pessimism and anxiety. There’s no need to worry about, I can always cheer up as if nothing’s happened. Besides, it’s part of growing up. I might get over this sooner or later.

Hello darkness! I just came here to express myself and find comfort. I hope you wouldn’t mind.

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