Comfort Through Darkness (A Thought)

These days, I find it reasonable to be serious. I remain pessimistic about my future. Whenever I go out, I find myself wearing all black as my form of expression, mostly on the dark side. I find comfort inside a dark room, sitting by the bed staring at the night sky, contemplating on my dark future. I’m starting to worry about what will happen to me when I turn thirty… will I be able to get out of this darkness or not?

I can’t deny the fact that I feel depressed and lonely. In fact, I’ve just turned into my emo self (even though I don’t look that much, obviously) and I feel like a completely different person. Right now, I’m hiding in the shadows and live the unsocial life of an uncommunicative loner. I’m comfortable with it… but at times I feel a little awkward too since I tend to be a freak as well.

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Severely affected by rejection back in elementary, I find it difficult to move on and try to cheer myself up. Later on, I started feeling insecure towards myself and my former friends/classmates, and I started hanging out with no one but myself as I had a hard time making friends. I eventually accepted the fact that I’m a loner, and I’m no longer comfortable talking and hanging out with other people.

When I was in high school, I got bullied a lot of times and I can’t even fight back at these jerks for their bad deeds. No matter how much you try to avoid them, you still end up getting bullied when you encounter them anywhere in the school grounds. Reacting to their terrible, cruel actions may sound a bit immature… but still, a bullying is a bullying. Until now, I felt a surge of annoyance whenever I recall some of these unfortunate incidents and that added to my anxiety I’m experiencing at times.

As I grow up, I’m starting to see the darker side of life and I tend to have negative thoughts about my life. I always believe that there are no second chances, and by the time I reached 30, it’s all over for me. I simply let my angst control my not-so-sound mind and I never did anything to let myself out of this misery.

I simply hate myself for being lured into this darkness. But then again, I’m fine with living a lonely, depressing life that I might as well kill myself in the end (there goes my emo self again)… but of course, my optimism never really left me (at all) and what I just said right now may just be a thought instead of a plan. I’m not that suicidal just so you know.

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In the end, I can never deny the fact that I’m comfortable with my life… a life full of pessimism and anxiety. There’s no need to worry about, I can always cheer up as if nothing’s happened. Besides, it’s part of growing up. I might get over this sooner or later.

Hello, darkness! I just came here to express myself and find comfort. I hope you wouldn’t mind.

A Certified Commoner

Times have changed. Life is never gonna be the same again.

In this one way journey, I met a lot of classmates who become friends, and later close friends. The first time I met you, it was in elementary. It was kind of exciting how I can be a part of your life. But then there were conflicts and unnecessary taunting that will force me to distance myself from the rest of the class.

I moved to another school the moment elementary school ends, leaving behind the easygoing life of a private school to a challenging reality of public school. Starting high school. excitement replaced anguish as I started over and make new friends. Over time, trouble starts but I somehow managed to get through and later graduated. The classmates I’m close with are always remembered (and will always be), while the ones I’m not close with… well, forget them. The BFF, the group of my closest classmates and acquaintance-turned-best friends, will always remain special to me.

From the challenging but partially happy high school life, I chose to stay put and stayed out of studying for a year. Finally, I decided to return and start my college life. The moment I start having fun with my classmates, I seldom think of my former classmates in elementary and what happened to them after I left them. High school classmates, I still think of them but not all. This time, I need to make the most out of college. Somehow, I failed to make an impact and that was the end. I’m an underachiever. But I finished studying.

Fourteen years in school excluding kindergarten, I wanted to ask: did I make an impact?

To be honest, I didn’t. If I did, then I don’t have to live this lonely life being myself, and hanging out with no one but myself. In addition, I shouldn’t make social media as my companion, just to rely on knowing the latest on what’s happening on the news feed and checking their profiles, thinking that they had a better life and studying in big universities and now having jobs. I, on the other hand, have trouble finding a job after resigning from my previous job as a call center agent still in training.

Expression wise, I somehow looked fine. Deep inside, I’m hurt knowing that I’m only a commoner. I hardly had any achievements, and I’m not as popular as the rest. I’m only good at expressing myself through written words and I’m not good in oral communication. That shows how I am different from the rest.

In the end, I’m still happy with myself knowing that I’m not a pretentious person (or maybe I am, but not to the extent that I’m doing this every day). I know what I can do, I know when I can achieve my own goals in life. But no matter how much I worked hard for it, if it doesn’t make an impact, then it only means one thing: I am a certified commoner.

Now I’m beginning to understand why it’s hard to be self-reliant. I failed to see the better benefits of a friendship. Sad to say, it only happens when everything’s over.

Again, times have changed. Life is never gonna be the same again.

About My Life, How Do I Look At It?

Positivity. Is that even possible?

For once, I understand that everything must go but I can’t accept the fact that I’m growing old, much older that I need to give up my childhood interests and favorites. I mean, it’s like giving up half of my life.

Why am I saying this? I never thought of expressing disappointment over my unfulfilled dreams and wasted chances, as well as envy over other people when it comes to material possessions and social interactions. I hate the thought of being left behind, but why should I think of it?

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Actually, I am optimistic in some ways. But at times, I have these depressive thoughts that would make me bring myself down. I sometimes doubted myself, I feel like it’s going to be the end of the road for me. Not one string of hope coming. I think a lot of things, mostly pure anxiety. I tend to worry at times. I can’t even force myself to smile. I’m not confident. I’m not that strong. I’m an introvert. I’m a loner. Physically existing, but without life… like a zombie.

I rarely even see my friends in person, all I have is social media. Instead of humans, the computer and my smartphone are my constant companions. Sounds unrealistic. This is not even a real world, it’s just virtual.

I’m trying hard to fulfill my dreams, little by little. I know that it will be too late for me if I start catching up on watching anime shows later on so I’m doing it now. I’m trying to look as young as possible. Sometimes, I don’t even act like my age. I only hang out with no one but myself, much to my delight and more practical. I really wanted to experience what is it like to hang out with myself without having to worry about others.

I still think of my enemies as enemies, enough said. I still had a grudge against them, and I wished that they should stop thinking of me and keep their distance for at least a meter from me.

I wish I could have someone else to talk to, someone who can truly help me with my emotional burdens in life. I would like to see a shrink sometime. Not that I’m looking down on myself just because of what happened to me in the past.

The Real Cause

I know that there are certain factors that can affect a person’s life. And they’re with you up to the rest of your life.

Born to a dysfunctional family and constantly bullied during adolescence, it’s not surprising how my life turned out to be… at least until I realized that I find myself at a loss. Witnessing and experiencing a lot of troubles in the past fifteen years sure prevented me from living my life normally, though nowadays things seemed to calm down (hopefully).

Thanks to that, I learned to appreciate darkness and escapism. It’s hard to snap out of it, by the way. And I can get rebellious and would rather follow myself than the others. I can’t help criticizing my enemies too much, knowing that I can’t even fight back. That’s the sad part. I can’t help criticizing my dad, who acted like he’s not the effective head of the family and the reason why my parents separated. I might as well be critical of those who are influenced by the crabs, a bunch of idiots pulling and grabbing at each other.

My friends thought that I was unapproachable, it was that I have a hard time with expression. I tend to get ballistic and mad at times, mostly with myself. I tend to shy away from conversations (though I seldom refused to join conversations if I feel like I’m a part of it). I’m not comfortable being watched while I was writing something or doing my hobby. I’m used to being a loner, another negative impact brought about by bullying, especially during elementary. Being ignored and rejected by my classmates is another factor as well.

I exist physically, but deep inside I’m empty.

What I Can Do For Now

I have lots of plans. But I also have frustrations. Either way, I can do something in order to redeem my pre-fourth grade self and start over again. Like I said, I can be optimistic but only if I’m willing to set aside my negative thoughts. I can ditch a lot of things such as marriage and unwanted temptations if I have to.

I can’t turn back the clock, and I can’t kill myself either (something that I wanted to do if ever my plan failed but decided against it). So I have to move on. Hopefully.

Postscript

Obviously, I wasn’t thinking clearly while writing this, but it somehow alleviates me from having to think negative about my life. I know some of you will react to this, but I shall stand by my word. It’s a terrible idea to give away too much information.

Let’s hope that optimism will reign above everything else.