Comfort Through Darkness (A Thought)

These days, I find it reasonable to be serious. I remain pessimistic about my future. Whenever I go out, I find myself wearing all black as my form of expression, mostly on the dark side. I find comfort inside a dark room, sitting by the bed staring at the night sky, contemplating on my dark future. I’m starting to worry about what will happen to me when I turn thirty… will I be able to get out of this darkness or not?

I can’t deny the fact that I feel depressed and lonely. In fact, I’ve just turned into my emo self (even though I don’t look that much, obviously) and I feel like a completely different person. Right now, I’m hiding in the shadows and live the unsocial life of an uncommunicative loner. I’m comfortable with it… but at times I feel a little awkward too since I tend to be a freak as well.

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Severely affected by rejection back in elementary, I find it difficult to move on and try to cheer myself up. Later on, I started feeling insecure towards myself and my former friends/classmates, and I started hanging out with no one but myself as I had a hard time making friends. I eventually accepted the fact that I’m a loner, and I’m no longer comfortable talking and hanging out with other people.

When I was in high school, I got bullied a lot of times and I can’t even fight back at these jerks for their bad deeds. No matter how much you try to avoid them, you still end up getting bullied when you encounter them anywhere in the school grounds. Reacting to their terrible, cruel actions may sound a bit immature… but still, a bullying is a bullying. Until now, I felt a surge of annoyance whenever I recall some of these unfortunate incidents and that added to my anxiety I’m experiencing at times.

As I grow up, I’m starting to see the darker side of life and I tend to have negative thoughts about my life. I always believe that there are no second chances, and by the time I reached 30, it’s all over for me. I simply let my angst control my not-so-sound mind and I never did anything to let myself out of this misery.

I simply hate myself for being lured into this darkness. But then again, I’m fine with living a lonely, depressing life that I might as well kill myself in the end (there goes my emo self again)… but of course, my optimism never really left me (at all) and what I just said right now may just be a thought instead of a plan. I’m not that suicidal just so you know.

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In the end, I can never deny the fact that I’m comfortable with my life… a life full of pessimism and anxiety. There’s no need to worry about, I can always cheer up as if nothing’s happened. Besides, it’s part of growing up. I might get over this sooner or later.

Hello, darkness! I just came here to express myself and find comfort. I hope you wouldn’t mind.

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Fascination With Night And Darkness

Sometimes, light does not provide the necessary comfort a person needs, and a person doesn’t need light in order to feel comfortable in whatever situation they’re in. There are times when a person needs to shun the light in order to calm their mind, to focus on their task, or to reflect on the things that happened. At times, darkness provides the feeling of being alone, without anyone or anything to interfere with your relaxation or comfort.

My obsession with darkness began when I finally overcome the fear of the dark. The thought of staying inside the room without the lights on while brainstorming and working on my upcoming story, or simply reflect on my not-so-cheerful past really excites me. In fact, I wanted to write an explicitly dark story surrounded by the dark atmosphere of my room. That should do since I’m not comfortable working in the open where anyone can just walk by and sneak up behind me.

This obsession with darkness is best coupled with countless random thoughts and ideas. Depending on what kind of situation you’re in, it can either be a good thing or a bad thing.

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The keyword here is nyctophilia (sometimes called scotophilia), a preference for the night or darkness. Nothing much is explained yet, so my assumption is that nyctophiles love darkness and they are fond of doing some of the activities while being surrounded by darkness.

Nyctophilia generally applies to people who find peace, happiness, and relaxation in the dark. People who experienced a great deal of sadness and depression find comfort in the dark in order to express their frustrations and morbid thoughts about their lives. Creative people would rather work at night in order to calm their minds and focus on their work. Insomniacs tend to enjoy being up throughout the night, though this is usually a cause for concern for some people. Nyctophilia is more of a psychological condition since it usually deals with emotional attraction to darkness and its calming effect on the person’s mind.^

The term is relatively new to me, and there is no definite information found on the internet. Some people thought of it as a sexual arousal from the dark or nighttime.^ It is unclear if it is really a mental disorder that requires treatment and therapy. But I don’t think there is a case where a person who loves staying up late just to enjoy the darkness of the night can be admitted to the psychiatric ward just for this obsession.

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The love of night and darkness… what a wonderful obsession it is! Oh well, this term is relatively new to me, but I’m sure this will be an interesting topic, especially for the people who are no longer afraid of the dark.

May the darkness of the night be beneficial to you (if you’re into it).

This Silent Darkness [L]

Inside a dark room

Always filled with gloom

In light’s absence

There comes silence

There’s no soft voice

Or any kind of noise

A dull look of loneliness

In a place full of sadness

The room looks like a dark night

With nothing to provide a light

With a calm mind

And a sight called blind

To ease your heart and hide

What else could this darkness provide

In the comfort of this dim fascination

Straight in the arms of isolation