#Throwback: Lonely Fourth Grade

“If you met a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they had tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

Jodi Picoult

It was about eighteen years ago when I, then a fourth-grade student, first experienced the harsh reality of being rejected and ignored by my classmates. I consider this as one of my earliest dark moments in life. And it’s only just the beginning of my miserable life at school.

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I can no longer recall the exact moment when my classmates started ignoring me, but I believed that it happened around August or September. I suddenly felt that I was unceremoniously ignored by my classmates and they wouldn’t let me join them in their games. At least there are a couple of my classmates whom I hang out with, one of them is a longtime classmate and friend since kindergarten and a weird transfer student whom I thought was a nice girl at first. Anyway, they’re the only people I knew who would want to hang out with me during that time.

I don’t know if they’re doing this on purpose simply because they don’t like me. Anyway, I didn’t mind it at first considering that they only wanted to hang out with the more popular ones and not some kind of commoner like me. But as time passed by, I started to feel sad and lonely, but not to the point of breaking down. I was trying to hold back my tears that time, something I managed to do anyway until about the end of school year.

My classmates, on the other hand, are having such a wonderful time hanging out with their peers. They do stuff such as playing tag or some kind of children’s games, and at times playing with one of my classmate’s Gameboy. I was feeling kind of envious that time that I wanted to sit down in the corner and watch. I don’t think they’ll even remember that I exist, except during a couple of occasions such as representing our class for Mr. and Ms. [name of school], something I’m not really proud of as of this time.

And speaking of being a not-so-proud candidate for Mr. [name of school], I just happened to be paired up with that weird transfer student, who eventually didn’t make it to the coronation day since she’s not feeling well. Anyway, after that event, I become popular with girls but only for a short period of time. And then I’m back to my lonely self once again.

I don’t know what is going on with me by the time that school year ends. Just as I thought it’s already summer vacation, I decided to spend time with my bicycle making rounds along our street. Of course, school isn’t over yet but for some reason, I don’t feel like going that time. In the end, I did.

So do you think my lonely school life ends here? Of course, not. It continued until I finished high school. You can actually say that this is the reason why I become a loner without anyone to hang out with. As for the weird transfer student, well, she transferred to another school right after that school year. Looks like she’s easily forgotten by my classmates and I’m kind of feel sorry for her. She sure must have experienced the same thing as mine, or so I thought.

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To be honest, this isn’t something worth sharing since it happened a long time ago and this is some kind of childish memory I wanted to forget, but this should give you the idea why until now I’m still struggling to make friends and hanging out with my classmates. All I know is that they hardly knew I existed, and I felt the same towards them.

Overall, I simply find that school year extremely boring and depressing. And I want no part of it. Good thing I didn’t have a computer that time, or else I could have been much worse than that. Seriously.

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This Silent Darkness [L]

Inside a dark room

Always filled with gloom

In light’s absence

There comes silence

There’s no soft voice

Or any kind of noise

A dull look of loneliness

In a place full of sadness

The room looks like a dark night

With nothing to provide a light

With a calm mind

And a sight called blind

To ease your heart and hide

What else could this darkness provide

In the comfort of this dim fascination

Straight in the arms of isolation