i150W: My Young Life

Good things must come to an end, and that includes my young life.

I’m already a young adult, but I still look and act like a teenager. I still find it difficult to accept and move on, but I have to. Just imagine the things I’ll have to go through in order to accept the fact that I’m already a grown-up.

There are some things I’m not willing to give up. These include my unusual outfit choices, my fascination with anime and manga, and playing video games. Who cares if they call me immature just because I continue living like a teenager?

There’s a lot of things to catch up on, but I don’t think if I’ll ever get to experience these. Maybe it’s a little too late for me to try.

I knew my young life will be over by the time I reach 30. So is this goodbye then?

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Forever… Not!

There is no such thing as forever. So why are we falling for it?

Admit it or not, we can only hope that everything will last for an extended period of time, even if it may sound impossible at times. But forever? No, that just doesn’t cut it.

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The reality of continuous changes proves that nothing lasts forever. The once beautiful Earth is slowly turning into an industrial wasteland. The coolest gadgets will soon become obsolete. The beautiful body you once flaunt will eventually become unattractive due to a lot of factors, including unhealthy lifestyle. And of course, there’s no such thing as immortality–we all die in the end. So are you still convinced that there’s still forever given these disappointing facts?

Okay, so I think I may be quite a pessimist when it comes to that sort of thing, but it’s a fact. And there’s no way to change that… unless you have magical powers.

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Forever Is A Promise… That Can Be Broken

Ah… yes, forever is a promise to hold on to each other ’til the end of time, or until one of you break your promise or die. Some of you tend to refer to your special someone as your forever, even though you’ve just started your relationship. Oh well, they really believed in that sort of thing and there’s no stopping them.

So here’s how a relationship works. You and your special someone were formally or informally introduced to one another, get to know each other, go out more often, meeting their respective families to ask for their approval, get engaged, preparing for a big event you’ve all been waiting for, start a family, have kids, sort out your differences, and living together until both of you are old and gray. Now, that’s what I call forever… at least a promise to stay together until you’ve breathed your last.

Anyway, relationships can go wrong and may end up unexpectedly. So are you gonna call someone your forever if he/she is gonna be the reason for the (sudden) breakup and an unexpected heartbreak? Come on, it’s too early for you to say if that so-called special someone is really right for you. Who knows, there are some plot twists to your very own (true to life) love story that either end with a happy or a sad ending.

Forever Is When You’re Using It Properly…

All material things may reach their end of the cycle, especially if it is used often. So for example, a couch may either last long or not, depending on how a person cares for it. You can repair it a lot of times once it’s broken, but it will eventually turn into something that’s beyond repair.

The same thing goes for electrical appliances. Depending on how much you use it, they should provide you with much-needed usefulness and enjoyment, as long as you take good care of it and you don’t abuse it (i.e., keep using the appliance without giving it a much-needed break). Anyway, no matter how useful these electrical appliances are to you, they will soon become outdated and it can never keep up with the newer models no matter how much you fix it.

Forever Is… Something You Wish Will Last

Like I said, the reality of continuous changes proves that nothing lasts forever. Now, take a good look at your surroundings, close your eyes, and imagine how your surroundings look like years ago. Perhaps, you will see the difference. Do the same with taking a good look at yourself in the mirror and compare it with a picture of yourself taken ten or twenty years ago.

The changes in yourself and your surroundings meant that there’s no such thing as forever. Okay, so you look handsome during your teenage years. But will it ever be the same once you reached twice or thrice that age? Probably. As for your surroundings, will it ever be the same as ten or twenty years ago? Well, depending on how people take good care of it.

It’s sad to think that we can never revert back to our better selves, and there’s no way to rollback the changes the Earth or the people had done. We can always move forward, but not backward.

Forever Young

Ugh! That’s one thing I really hate to discuss since I’m growing old. And now that I think of it, I can still look young while trying… but trying to achieve your younger look as if you’re in the early teens? That’s practically next to impossible.

All of us humans are undergoing a life cycle. From the moment we were born, there will be a lot of changes… in our bodies, our minds, and the way we do things. As we all grow up, we were gradually transitioning from one cycle to another, then we eventually slow down as we age, and then we cease to function. Oh God, I really hate thinking about this. Reality sure is pretty harsh, but we have to face it.

Going back, how can we achieve looking young without having to deal with our age? Simple. Just stop thinking and keep trying. Who knows, you might get stuck with the perception of looking young while your age stealthily increases. But then again, you can never be like that forever. So enjoy being young while you still can.

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There is no such thing as forever. So why are you falling for it?

Honestly, it’s nice to think that we still have a positive outlook on life despite such disappointments, and that is something we hope would last forever.

Fantasies, In Real Life

When was the time when I feel like I was that character from an anime series, or making up my own? When was the time when I was drawing some made up characters in their unusual getup? Looks like I’ve already made up a lot of fantasies… but of course, it’s unlikely to happen, unless you go ahead and make some changes in your lifestyle, along with some makeover and all that.

Anything make believe is said to be frowned upon by some, but I don’t really care about it that much. I always thought that anything that’s on my mind is much more interesting than anything that’s part of reality. In other words, my life is much more interesting inside my head.

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It all began in third grade (about 17 years ago) and a hit anime series, Pokémon, premiered on prime time. Before, such shows are aired in the afternoons, and at times extended into the prime time slot. Friday nights are generally reserved for anime shows due to the fact that it mainly targets the young audiences (mostly students). It just happened that I was hooked to that show, which was then aired during Friday nights, and I often dreamed of waking up in a different world, similar to the one I was watching.

And then it continued during fifth grade, and this time a detective anime series, Detective Conan (also known as Case Closed in the US), aired during weekday afternoons. But I wasn’t fantasizing about being the kid detective, but rather I was having weird thoughts about something else… something mysterious. It’s difficult to explain at this point, but it’s about someone with weird experience. Totally unrelated, but that show fueled that kind of strange thoughts.

And here comes sixth grade, the time when I started making up a few characters, notably the cool looking kid with glasses (later known as the spiky haired cool kid with glasses). At first, I find it quite awkward to portray that character, until I started wearing glasses the following year. Yup, inspired by that anime series I watched three years ago, but with a different plot and not-so-childish scenes that are deemed too serious for a kid to handle. I was portraying that role (usually in my head), at times complete with a few lines and actions, done discreetly out of others’ presence. Nowadays, I do this occasionally… but only in my head.

In college, I just happen to read a baseball novel, The Make-Believe Ball Player by Alfred Slote, which is all about a kid named Henry Smith who loves playing make-believe games until he got himself into a dangerous situation, where he impersonates his dad and his baseball coach to scare away the burglars. The story ends with Henry being hailed as a hero and playing for the Sampson Park Tigers. The book itself is an interesting read, and I thought… I can be like him. Someday, maybe.

Well, if these childhood fantasies may eventually evolve into a dream-come-true situation, mine needs a lot of effort… and a lot of work. Still, I’m living the dream of being a writer, as well as creating my own identity similar to the made-up character from sixth grade. Who knows, even at twenty-six, I can achieve that look and live with it.

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Fantasies, dreams, and anything make-believe… these are common to children with a high level of imagination. Of course, they tend to overdo it at times, which can cause annoyance and/or worry from some parents, thinking that their children are talking to themselves and acting out some scenes by themselves.

So why are we fantasizing about something? What makes it quite interesting?

  • We all have our dreams and goals, but not all of them can be achieved… just yet. So in the meantime, they tend to fantasize about it.
  • We wanted to portray something, like being in that scene or acting like a popular or made-up character, usually in our minds. Something to entertain ourselves, perhaps.
  • We sometimes need to escape from reality, so we just imagine ourselves in a dreamy or pleasant situation.
  • Sometimes, we treat fantasies as a creative guide in order to achieve something, just like achieving that character’s good looks or outfit, or living that good life you’ve always dreamed of. In other words, fantasies sometimes pave way for creativity, and can help us plan for the future.^

Of course, too much of these fantasies can affect you mentally, especially when you’re mistaking fantasies for reality.^ There’s a possibility of a delusional disorder, schizophrenia or paraphilia if these fantasies go out of control.

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Living our fantasies in restraint and in our heads is one thing, mistaking fantasies for reality is another. Sometimes, I often thought of forgetting such imitative fantasies and get in touch with reality. But then, I’m not too old for such fantasies, for as long as I don’t let it go out of control.

About My Life, How Do I Look At It?

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Positivity. Is that even possible?

For once, I understand that everything must go but I can’t accept the fact that I’m growing old, much older that I need to give up my childhood interests and favorites. I mean, it’s like giving up half of my life.

Why am I saying this? I never thought of expressing disappointment over my unfulfilled dreams and wasted chances, as well as envy over other people when it comes to material possessions and social interactions. I hate the thought of being left behind, but why should I think of it?

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Actually, I am optimistic in some ways. But at times, I have these depressive thoughts that would make me bring myself down. I sometimes doubted myself, I feel like it’s going to be the end of the road for me. Not one string of hope coming. I think a lot of things, mostly pure anxiety. I tend to worry at times. I can’t even force myself to smile. I’m not confident. I’m not that strong. I’m an introvert. I’m a loner. Physically existing, but without life… like a zombie.

I rarely even see my friends in person, all I have is social media. Instead of humans, the computer and my smartphone are my constant companions. Sounds unrealistic. This is not even a real world, it’s just virtual.

I’m trying hard to fulfill my dreams, little by little. I know that it will be too late for me if I start catching up on watching anime shows later on so I’m doing it now. I’m trying to look as young as possible. Sometimes, I don’t even act like my age. I only hang out with no one but myself, much to my delight and more practical. I really wanted to experience what is it like to hang out with myself without having to worry about others.

I still think of my enemies as enemies, enough said. I still had a grudge against them, and I wished that they should stop thinking of me and keep their distance for at least a meter from me.

I wish I could have someone else to talk to, someone who can truly help me with my emotional burdens in life. I would like to see a shrink sometime. Not that I’m looking down on myself just because of what happened to me in the past.

The Real Cause

I know that there are certain factors that can affect a person’s life. And they’re with you up to the rest of your life.

Born to a dysfunctional family and constantly bullied during adolescence, it’s not surprising how my life turned out to be… at least until I realized that I find myself at a loss. Witnessing and experiencing a lot of troubles in the past fifteen years sure prevented me from living my life normally, though nowadays things seemed to calm down (hopefully).

Thanks to that, I learned to appreciate darkness and escapism. It’s hard to snap out of it, by the way. And I can get rebellious and would rather follow myself than the others. I can’t help criticizing my enemies too much, knowing that I can’t even fight back. That’s the sad part. I can’t help criticizing my dad, who acted like he’s not the effective head of the family and the reason why my parents separated. I might as well be critical of those who are influenced by the crabs, a bunch of idiots pulling and grabbing at each other.

My friends thought that I was unapproachable, it was that I have a hard time with expression. I tend to get ballistic and mad at times, mostly with myself. I tend to shy away from conversations (though I seldom refused to join conversations if I feel like I’m a part of it). I’m not comfortable being watched while I was writing something or doing my hobby. I’m used to being a loner, another negative impact brought about by bullying, especially during elementary. Being ignored and rejected by my classmates is another factor as well.

I exist physically, but deep inside I’m empty.

What I Can Do For Now

I have lots of plans. But I also have frustrations. Either way, I can do something in order to redeem my pre-fourth grade self and start over again. Like I said, I can be optimistic but only if I’m willing to set aside my negative thoughts. I can ditch a lot of things such as marriage and unwanted temptations if I have to.

I can’t turn back the clock, and I can’t kill myself either (something that I wanted to do if ever my plan failed but decided against it). So I have to move on. Hopefully.

Postscript

Obviously, I wasn’t thinking clearly while writing this, but it somehow alleviates me from having to think negative about my life. I know some of you will react to this, but I shall stand by my word. It’s a terrible idea to give away too much information.

Let’s hope that optimism will reign above everything else.